How to Support Someone with Cancer: Don’t Ask, Just Do

Showing up for cancer patients

One of my favorite surprises came on the day of a not-so-pleasant round of chemo. People are truly amazing.

Going through cancer taught me a lot, but one of the biggest lessons? If you want to help someone, don’t ask—just do.

I know, I know. That goes against everything we’ve been taught about being polite and considerate. But hear me out.

Why “Let Me Know What I Cand Do” Isn’t Actually Helpful

For years, anytime a friend was going through a tough time, I’d send the go-to message: “What can I do to help?!”

I meant it—I really did. But what I didn’t realize was that this well-intentioned offer actually put more pressure on the person who was already overwhelmed.

If you’ve ever been through something really hard, you know that just existing can feel exhausting. Now imagine being asked to figure out what someone else can do to help, coordinate when they should do it, and then make sure they feel appreciated afterward. It’s a lot.

And then, once I was doing better, I’d run into those same friends, and they’d nervously say, “I wanted to do something…” And just like that, my anxious brain would spiral. I’d feel bad that I hadn’t found a way to include them, like I had somehow let them down. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth—I actually felt guilty, as if I had hurt their feelings by not giving them a role in my own survival.

But the reality? I wasn’t “including” anyone—I was barely making it through each day. I was on the brink of dying, just trying to exist. That was all I could do.

So here’s the better way: don’t wait for them to tell you what they need. Just do something.

How to Be Helpful in Tough Situations

Rather than asking them to assign you a task, take the decision-making off their plate. Small, thoughtful actions make a huge difference and show that you really care.

Easy Ways to Support Someone Without Asking

1. Send a Meal Delivery Service – Order from a local restaurant, meal prep service, or grocery delivery. Or, make a meal! If you’re not sure about dietary restrictions, just reach out to a close friend or family member on social media.

2. Stock Their Essentials – Arrange for grocery or household supply delivery (toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies, etc.). Just guess at what they need! I suggest picking high quality natural products, those are always universally loved.

3. Send a Cozy Care Package – Think soft blankets, tea, warm socks, a journal, or an eye mask. See my favorites.

4. Gift a Low-Maintenance Houseplant – Something easy to care for can bring life to their space without adding stress. As long as the weather is nice, you can leave it on the front porch with a nice note.

5. Take Care of Their Lawn/Snow Removal – If you’re a neighbor or live close, you know when the weather is bad. Just drive on over with a shovel or a rack, and get to work.

6. Pet Care Assistance – Pay for pet grooming, dog walking, or arrange for pet food delivery. This takes more coordination, but if you’re close to the individual, you may have better insight into their routine.

These things might seem tiny, but they lift a huge weight off someone’s shoulders.

Why This Matters So Much

When I was in treatment, my inbox was overflowing with messages from people asking how they could help. And while I was grateful for every single one, I often didn’t have an answer. I was exhausted, in pain, and completely drained. Trying to figure out what I needed—and then ask for it—felt impossible.

But you know what truly made a difference? The people who didn’t wait for me to tell them—they just did something. No pressure, no expectations—just pure, thoughtful action.

Like the friend who quietly left a bag of farm-fresh goodies and flowers on my porch. Or the neighbor who made sure my trash bins were at the curb every collection day without ever being asked.

And let’s not forget cards—simple, heartfelt cards. A card doesn’t ask for a reply. It doesn’t require decision-making. It just says, “I’m here. I’m thinking of you.” And sometimes, that’s exactly what we need most.

How to Send a Better “I’m Here for You” Message

If you’re reaching out to someone going through something tough, swap the well-meaning but kinda overwhelming “How can I help?” for something more direct and supportive.

Old Message:

• "Sarah, I was devastated to hear about your diagnosis. Is there something you need? What can I do for you or your family? Please let me know!"

New Message:

• "Sarah, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I’m thinking of you every day."

That’s it. No pressure for them to reply. No extra work on their plate. Just love, straight-up.

If you want to go a step further, add an action:

• "I just dropped off some soup on your porch. No need to text back—just know I’m thinking of you."

See the difference? You’re not making them manage your kindness. You’re just showing up for them.

Want to Bring Food? Here’s the Right Way to Do It

I got a lot of texts like this when I was sick:

• "Can I bring you dinner sometime? Let me know what sounds good and when would be best!"

I truly appreciated the thought, but I just didn’t have the brainpower to figure it out. It felt weird to say, “You know, a broccoli casserole and a side of bread sounds amazing.” Like—can they even cook that? And if I say Wednesday, will they even be free? Suddenly, what should be a simple gesture turns into this whole mental puzzle.

A better way?

• "I’m planning on dropping off dinner next Thursday. Will someone be home to grab it off the porch?"

Boom. Decision made. All they have to do is say yes.

If you’re not sure about dietary restrictions just reach out to a close friend or family member on social media. These days, we’re so connected, it’s pretty easy to get the answers you need.

Still Not Sure What to Do? Here’s How to Find Out

If you want to help but have no idea where to start, ask someone close to them.

Example: Instead of texting them, text their partner, best friend, or family member:

• "I really want to help Sarah but I don’t want to overwhelm her. Do you know anything she’s struggling with right now?"

Maybe they’ll tell you she’s having a hard time keeping up with her yard work. Great! Now you can text her and say:

• "Hey Sarah, I’m coming over on Saturday to weed the garden. You don’t need to come outside, but I’ll be there in case any neighbors ask."

Now it’s an offer, not an ask. Big difference.

Bonus: Use a Platform Like Lotsa Helping Hands

If you’re part of a bigger group looking to help, Lotsa Helping Hands is an amazing tool. It’s basically a shared calendar where friends and family can sign up for things like meal deliveries, rides to appointments, or errands.

Instead of everyone separately texting with “Let me know what you need!”, you can coordinate as a group and make sure everything gets covered.

Less stress for them, more impact from you.

The Bottom Line: Just Show Up

If you take anything away from this, let it be this:

When someone is going through something hard, don’t wait for them to tell you how to help. Just do something.

It doesn’t have to be huge. It doesn’t have to be perfect. But even the smallest gesture can make an enormous difference.

And if you truly don’t know what to do? A simple “I’m thinking of you” is more than enough.

The goal isn’t to ask for permission to help. It’s to show up in the ways that matter.